Sometimes you cannot heal (/take) yourself out of depression. Sometimes you can’t help but go through it, let the feelings be there. Just stand still, cry it out, sit on the couch and do nothing. This is allowed, even though you may even feel bad about that. Give yourself time, rest and emotions.
How do you deal with heavy thoughts?
First, it is important to acknowledge your feelings, let them be there, and dwell on what you are feeling. Make space for it. Take a day off. Cry, scream, punch into your pillow, take a hot bath and stare at the ceiling. Before, I was always afraid of sinking into a black pit. These days, I personally draw a lot of strength from the quote below. For me, it means that all emotions are part of life, but even more than that. For me, it means that what makes life worth living. And so it is also okay to feel sadness, anger or fear.
‘When I feel a certain emotion, I imagine myself looking down on earth in heaven, ready to experience a life on earth. To feel all the emotions. Sadness, happiness, love, anger, joy…. And then I am grateful, that I get to feel all those emotions.’ – I don’t remember who said it, so if anyone knows who said this and what the exact quote is, please let me know!
Get out of your head
Step two will help you with step one: write everything down. It sounds trite. But as an adolescent, when I didn’t know who I was, what my purpose was, what life was all about, I started writing on the advice of my mother. Together, we shared a notebook. I wrote in it whenever I wanted to get something off my chest. About my day, thoughts I had, it didn’t matter. I would put the notebook under my mattress, and the next day my mother would write something back. Her own train of thought, something simple, non-judgemental. It didn’t answer all my questions, but still it helped.
Even if you don’t have anyone to write back, a good start is to grab a notebook, or open a Word file, and just write everything down. If you find this very difficult, you can start with this sentence: ‘Today happened… and I felt…’. Go into events, feelings, thoughts…. Anything goes. In my case, it helps me get out of my head. For me, writing down all the thoughts means it’s not so full in my head anymore.
Dive into your feelings
But it also helps me get to know myself better. How I react to certain events and where that comes from. Dive in. What exactly do you feel? Do you indeed feel sadness? Or is it more grief? Regret? Fear? For example, you may think you are experiencing anger, but there is so much more behind it. For example, it may actually be jealousy, which stems from insecurity, and fear of taking the plunge yourself. Realising that, you can let the anger and jealousy go, and focus on that insecurity and fear, so you can take the leap and do something you only realised how much you wanted thanks to those emotions. If that sounds complicated, just start by writing down what you think and feel about what you are dealing with at the moment. And write on about why you are experiencing a particular thought or emotion at a particular event. Step by step.
Seek help
Step four is to seek help. Even if you think it is no big deal, if you don’t really know what is going on or what to say, if you think you can work it out on your own, or if you are normally very positive and happy but just experienced something not so nice which is temporary. Seek help! It can really help to tell your story, to hear that you are not the only one experiencing this, and to get tips.
Schedule an appointment with your GP. Ask to see a psychologist; one introductory meeting may already help. Do a blood test. Have tea with your mother, best friend, or whoever you trust. Or search online on, say, Facebook for a group or Instagram for an account with like-minded people. Then make sure it is a support group, and not just negativity. As soon as you find that it only makes you feel worse, choose for yourself and get out of the group.
Self-Healing
Finally, because I think it is important that feelings are not hidden away but there are things that can make you feel better; think about your diet, exercise, regularity, sleep and change. Below I share some concrete tips on that!
- Take vitamin D. Especially if it’s winter or if you don’t get outside much or at all in a day, and especially if you have a tinted complexion and/or are already a bit older, 100 µg a day is recommended.
- Take iron with vitamins B and C. Especially for women, even after menopause, this is recommended. An amount of 20 ml of iron elixir a day is enough. If you cannot find liquid iron with vitamins B and C, you can take these separately as pills. Think mainly of B1, B2, B6 and B12. Vitamin C supports iron absorption, among other things. You can also get this from fruit, of course, by taking a big glass of warm water with lemon juice every morning.
- Make sure you get exercise. A walk of at least 15 minutes outside every day is ideal. But you can also start with some exercises at home. Think step by step. For example, start with abdominal exercises (like 24x the dead-bug), leg exercises (like 15x a wide-squat and 15x donkey-kicks), and 15 or so push-ups a few times a week. Or put on a fun playlist and just dance a bit!
- Ensure regularity and routine. Create a foothold in your life without going overboard with control. Make sure you have a good morning routine, for instance, so you can get out of bed and start your day. Remember: think one step at a time! Provide benchmarks; ‘When I wake up I get dressed first and brush my teeth. At 8pm I do some home exercises. Every Sunday I take a long walk.’ Et cetera.
- Get enough sleep but not too much! When you are depressed, it can feel easy to stay in bed for a very long time. It’s okay to allow yourself that once. But don’t hold onto that. If you stay asleep for too long, or stay awake in bed, it can feel like a failure. After all, you’re not doing anything productive or good for yourself. So make sure you have a good routine, including when it comes to your sleep. Make sure you always go to sleep at a set time, and wake up at a set time, set your alarm if necessary. Especially if you are depressed. Maybe you sleep badly or hardly at all. But still stick to those fixed times of being in bed. I once read that a monk advised going to sleep before 10pm at least three nights in a row. That would cure everything according to him. And yes, there are certainly stories that it is healthier to go to sleep before a certain time and also wake up before a certain time. For me, it definitely works to go to bed before or around 10pm, and my alarm is set at 7am if I don’t have to get out earlier for work. Just give it a try!
- Provide change. It could be that your feelings are further supported because you are in an unhappy relationship, or because you are actually out of place at work. Maybe you have a totally different dream life in mind. It is therefore not a bad thing to acknowledge that. You don’t have to quit your relationship or job right away. But do explore the possibility; what do you really want? What can be the first step to achieve that? I am repeating myself, but again: think step by step and start somewhere. Take a course in your spare time to see if you want to retrain. Analyse what is going on in your relationship and whether it is necessary to stand up for yourself and start the conversation. It may be a tough period for a while, but at least you will know that you are working towards something beautiful. Something you are doing entirely for yourself!
- Get checked for sensitivities. If your gut is over-stimulated because you can’t tolerate lactose well, for example, it could be contributing to emotional feelings. Or maybe something else is lurking in the background.
- Get rid of toxicity. Do not associate (for a while) more or less with people who make you feel bad(er). Clean up your computer, phone and mail inbox. Unfollow people, accounts and newsletters that don’t make you feel better. Clean your house and get rid of things that are unnecessary by donating or selling them. Avoid spending too long on your phone, in front of the TV or at the computer. Surround yourself as much as possible with things you enjoy. Yes, in a lot of cases it really helps if everything is tidier! Do you find this difficult? Make a list of what needs to be tidied up, and start small: for example, clear out your wardrobe and put in a box what you can sell and in a bag what can go in the clothes bin.
Do you have any tips, recognise anything in my story, or want to share anything else? Please let me know! I wish you lots of strength and success if you are struggling right now. Think step by step, be kind to yourself and allow yourself the emotions and discovery. Everything will work out in the end and a lot of beautiful things will happen (too).
Love, Max.