I always thought I was special. Well, very sometimes I thought I was nobody. Very often I felt out of place. At children’s parties, I preferred to sit with the adults. At school, everything was childish and uninteresting. I preferred looking out of the window to daydream. And why did I often have to completely explain things that made sense to someone else?
Feeling Different
They sometimes say that people with autism feel like an alien, visiting from another planet and not recognising themselves in anything. That may be a bit simplistic in its description, but the feeling is reasonably true. Yes, I often thought I was just special. Better developed than others. Not necessarily smarter, but wiser and with better insights. Especially compared to my peers. And I thought many things just made sense.
Autism and Emotions
But, also, I was afraid that meant I was arrogant. Maybe even narcissistic. And I really didn’t want that. How many times around adolescence did I think I was unfeeling? Nothing impressed me, while kids in my class sometimes showed so much hysteria and emotion. There I was again, that ‘stranger’, that ‘other’. I wouldn’t say I was bullied. Sure, sometimes I was considered a bit weird. But it was mostly my own thoughts about myself.
Learning to Understand
Only much later did I understand myself. I did have feelings, very much so. I was not arrogant, sometimes quite the contrary. Nor was I strange or different. Maybe I still believe I am, in a way, more developed than others. I can be a bit ashamed of that, because it remains an arrogant thought. But that is precisely why I am also proud of it. That I realise this too. No matter how exhausting that line of thought is from all angles. This is me, extraordinary ordinary, and so it is.
Have you experienced the same (emotional rollercoaster) when you were younger or after discovering you had autism? Please let me know! Would love to chat and hear similar stories. You are never alone.
Love, Max.
